"I count the days since Dad died."
"Daily?" Dr. A, my therapist, said.
I glanced out the window as a butterfly passed by. "Every morning. It doesn't just remind me of how long he has been gone but that I've made it through another day, another night."
"That will evolve over time, but for now, this is what your grief needs. And pay attention to your nervous system. We don't want anything to impact it further negatively."
My nervous system.
Now, that's one fickle design.
Two years ago, this past Monday, my system imploded. To this day, specialists are befuddled. What happened? When did it truly start? What set it off? What autoimmune disease do I have? Was it a TIA?
We know I had Pernicious Anemia due to severe Vitamin B12 & 6 deficiency. We know I have systemic inflammation. We know I have nerve damage in my feet, hands, and face. We know there could be some funkiness happening with the Trigeminal Nerve.
Many questions remain.
But one element is prominent.
Stress.
Stress devours the body.
It's a discussion within the neuropathy community, but where it gets muddled is the mental health aspect of it. And one that Neurologists don't know how to address when a person is diagnosed with neuropathy without a clear root cause, such as diabetes.
The standard answer is medication.
I'm not anti-medication; however, seeking the root cause is lacking. It's known as idiopathic neuropathy, and we hate that word. Many patients are given medication and left on the side of the road to figure it out. I discovered early on that I would need to be my most prominent advocate. Learn. Research. Read. Experiment. I began that process last year after my nerve biopsy. Vitamin infusions, acupuncture, reiki, I was already in therapy. However, I was diagnosed with PTSD. During that time, I was withdrawing from Lyrica.
Okay, so I've established there was much to digest. But wait, there's more.
Dad's cancer diagnosis and prognosis emotionally electrocuted my system. I quickly entered into survival mode and have remained there.
I'm on my last nerve.
There is more to my story, which has recently led me to incredible doctors who want to get to the guts of my neuropathy, which actually includes my guts.
There is little to no help when it comes to neuropathy and inflammation. I am told time and time again that testing for autoimmune diseases is difficult. It sometimes takes years to receive a proper diagnosis. I'm determined to help others (and me) figure out what is happening. It's a think-outside-of-the-box situation, and I'm here for it.
With my herbalist background, I was able to help Dad with his neuropathy after radiation because pain medications aren't the answer.
What I'm doing is Somatic Herbalism.
I will share my journey through my treatments, education, and experiences: the good, the bad, and the ugly crying. Because, you know, grief and stuff.
I'm in the trenches with you.
I see you.
I watched my Dad endure insurmountable amounts of pain through the years. I watched doctors shrug their shoulders without a straightforward remedy or simply adding more medications. I listened to his frustrations and then cancer. Even during that process, information wasn't readily given to him.
I don't want that for others. I don't want that for me. I want transparency. I want compassion. I want answers.
Dad always said he fought for others who had cancer; he fought for me and Logan. I'm fighting for people who are engulfed by their neuropathic pain. For those who have died by suicide because they can no longer take the pain. For those who have overdosed because they are prescribed ten different medications, and they don't know what to do anymore. For those diagnosed and dumped in the middle of the ocean and left to figure out which direction to go all on their own.
I'm fighting for me.
It starts with me because I'm no good to anyone else if I can't function.
I've started various treatments and will share my progress as I go. I've also returned to school for Somatic Trauma Therapy.
Dad's spirit will be with me every step of the way, guiding me, cheering me on, and making sassy comments.
I wouldn't want it any other way.
