What If I Didn't Write This?
2 am Brain Tabs
Have you ever read the quote To err is human? It means humans will make mistakes; we are imperfect creatures, and it's natural. The second part of that quote is to forgive, divine. The origin of this statement comes from Alexander Pope's An Essay on Criticism. It reminds me of the what if's of life. How often do we say, "what if I would've done this," or "if only I'd not said that," it's easy to sink into those words? More like those words sink into us. Weigh us with doubt, anxiety, and fear. We should go through each of those emotions but not settle within them.
I am one of those who wake up at 2 am, and fifty tabs of what if's pop up inside my brain—situations stemming from a year to twenty years ago. So here is that forgiveness part. Not so much of others but myself, because in many of those situations, I'd admitted my mess up's. Others forgave me, yet the remorse lingers. Our son is a perfectionist, and I constantly tell him to be compassionate with himself; no one is perfect. Be gentle with your spirit.
*cough* Practice what I preach.
To be human is to be messy.
It's a messy process.
Life is messy.
But that's okay.
I remind myself daily that I'm Human & Divine.
Ego & Soul.
Light & Dark.
Messy & Lovely.
Nothing drives me crazier than the phrase "they are so emotional." People state emotional reactions equate to low emotional intelligence, and I'm afraid I have to disagree. We process information differently, which plays into our emotions and how we react. I react with emotions, but that doesn't mean I attack; even though sometimes I want to, I don't. Unless it pertains to Logan, then that's a different story. I allow myself to process. It could be an hour or three days, depending on the situation. Emotional intelligence isn't about being too emotional; it's awareness and how you communicate and empathize. For example, there are topics I'm passionate about, which heightens my awareness. That doesn't mean I don't react strongly and make mistakes; I do (perhaps delete posts or comments because attempting to reason with misogynistic bigot asshats is counterproductive), but that doesn't mean I lack emotional intelligence.
It means I'm human with a fiery soul.
Spiritual perfection or any other kind of perfection is not of this world, and that's great. When I truly realize this, the what-if tabs close, and the anxiety of others' beliefs about me vanish because if you think about it, everyone looks at us differently. People perceive how they choose; hundreds of Andrea variations exist. So why am I attempting to be anything other than human? I know who I am; most days, I like myself most of the time. It's okay and healthy to ask questions, to seek a deeper understanding. Knowledge is power, as is intuition.
That's growth.
Metamorphosis.
Evolution.
Whatever you want to call it but it's all messy.
It’s authentic.
It's painful, exquisite, and esoteric.
It's human.
It's sacred. And it's fucking awesome I can be part of it.
WE get to be part of this.
Take a moment.
Close the brain tabs.
Inhale through the nose for seven seconds. Hold for four. Exhale through the mouth for eight.
Repeat.
